Mmmm……So, not an hour ago I had a revelation, but this might take some time to explain. So I’ll start out with the shocker.
I’m thinking of becoming a nun as one of my possible future paths.
ALRIGHTY THEN. That’s out of the way. Now here’s the build up, slightly in reverse. What prompted me to write this in a blog was that I seriously felt the intensity of “the pull” (that phrase is thrown about a lot, but it seriously felt like that) in my ethics class. We were discussing our papers, and mine concerned my experiences at Catholic Social Services. I was discussing my paper with a partner in my class. I’m not sure now what prompted the feeling to suddenly rise, but it happened when we were discussing the utilitarian and Kantian aspects of my paper. Essentially my partner was talking about learning and growth, and my mind just wandered towards something that has only stirred me ever so slightly.
This has probably been a work in slow process that has led up to this point. First, beginning in grade school with talks of vocations (didn’t really affect me all that much then), then the same talks in high school (I was more interested at this point, but still believed it to be a foreign concept). Then I get to college, and here is where more changes begin to grow. It’s very small, but I’ve been noticing them a lot more this year.
My study of Dorothy Day was being taught around the same time I began my time at Catholic Social Services. If you know Dorothy Day, you know how these two were probably working hand-in-hand in my mind. When I read about that man’s meeting with Dorothy Day, and she asked him if he was there to see her or the woman she had been chatting with, I was floored. It’s not like it was an extreme revelation, because I already knew about human equality and such, but it still struck a chord with me in how I viewed other people. Like I said, this also happened around the same time I began working at Catholic Social Services. I still remember when I went there alone, and Sr. Beth took me in her office for my orientation, explaining to me to treat each person that walked through that door with respect, dignity, and kindness. Though I knew to do that already, I became more aware of it. Each time I go there I think of those words, and I’ve slowly been connecting with the people there, even if I don’t know their names or might not even see them again.
These instances have been happening more frequently now. Every time I go there, I have an interaction with someone.
It also brings me such joy when I go there and do something for Catholic Social. Sure, I have those days that I say to myself, “I really, REALLY don’t want to be here,” or I bolt out the door whenever it is time to leave. But while I’m there I still enjoy myself and it brings me happiness. Like today, I was walking up and down the stairs hunting and carrying down mens, womens, and children’s coats from the attic. And they were HEAVY. I had to make multiple trips the entire time, but I still had this look of determination and I felt energized. I noticed people looking at me as I walked by. One man called me by name and asked how I was. I instantly panicked because I forgot about my nametag and I thought this man knew me, so I said, “Fine, how are you?”, but I think he noticed that look of mine and said, “I saw your name on your nametag” and he just smiled while I laughed at my silliness at forgetting my nametag. And as I was leaving, a man sitting outside of Sr. Jean’s office just looked at me, saying “You’re doing a good job, a good job” and I thanked him, smiling still. It made me leave Catholic Social in high spirits.
It’s not like I think about becoming a nun constantly. Heck, it was only pinpointed in my mind just a while ago in class, but I could/can feel something tugging at the back of my mind during all these instances that I’ve been mentioning. Even cleaning the graveyard with Ladies Auxiliary and me sweeping the graves of random people I’d never known, religious and lay. It was like someone just suddenly sprang a flashing billboard in my mind that said “Nun” and “Convent” and “Religious Order” in my ethics class and it made me both freeze up and relax at the same time.
Panic? I think so. Like, Salazar was telling us about the different aspects of our paper at the end of class and not a word was hitting home. I kid you not, I left that classroom shaking, but not in a bad way. It’s so hard to explain while typing! As if excited shaking, yet “Holy crap!!!! A nun?! A NUN?!!!” I almost forgot to sign up for my revision meeting with Fr. Williams. I cooled down as I walked back to the dorm, but I knew I had to put up a blog entry about it. There are simply aspects of my frame of mind that cannot be put in here, because there aren’t words.
I consider this to be a possible path for me. I’ve always wanted a husband and children, but I also don’t want to throw away that possibility either. Especially since I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I don’t want to jump into something without experiencing another possible vocation. It’s like I’ve got two roads, but because of my past experiences and ones I haven’t experiences yet, my happiness is leaning more towards the religious, though I don’t wish to rule out the possibility of married life.
It’s like a foot has been caught in a door. Like I can’t NOT think about this possibility anymore. That’s what this revelation in the past hour or so has done. Put a foot in a door that I thought had been closed. Some serious praying needs to be done here, I think.
