I feel as if I need to be more proactive in my life. I’ve said countless times that I’m going to do all sorts of things and here I am, still sitting in my pajamas for 2 1/2 hours after waking up at 11:30, and watching The Holiday on TBS for the second time in a row (not that there’s anything wrong with The Holiday <3).

My goal today is to get Christmas presents wrapped and to clean my chair that I would like to sit in, but unfortunately can’t because of the disgusting sick that my cat felt inclined to leave in it and sent me into a sputtering rage. At any rate, I haven’t done so yet, and this always happens. Whenever there is something important to do, I put it off and off and off, until the day is over, and then I feel disgusted with myself.

Perhaps that should be my new year’s resolution. Instead of the normal “lose weight this year” kind of deal, which is always broken with the next few days, I think that I should resolve to be more proactive, instead of reclusive. Though to make sure that I don’t keep up my sluggish act until the new year, I think I will take a jump start on the resolution and begin it now. I’ve had such a great time this semester and have learned to love myself more this year, so I think I need to pursue my happiness more. Life is passing me by, and I can’t expect it to just come knocking on my door. I need to chase after it and just immerse myself in life.

This isn’t to say that I’m always a recluse, but it shows in some of my decisions. So I think in order to start actually living, I need to say “yes” and “now” and not be scared of what could happen. That’s always been my problem, being scared of what my life could be. Not that I picture balls of fire happening by something simple like going out with my friends, but I think I fear the unknown of who I become. It sounds utterly ridiculous, but I think others have these fears also.

So I suppose what I’m saying is that I shouldn’t be worried about what my life may be, but try to love my life the way it is now and improve it everyday in some form. Some days will suck and some days will be wonderful, and others will be completely uneventful, but I want to be a better person that I am proud to be. I’m already on this road to self-improvement, but I need to step it up. So an early resolution is in order I believe, so here I go.

I’m thinking of becoming a nun as one of my possible future paths.

ALRIGHTY THEN. That’s out of the way. Now here’s the build up, slightly in reverse. What prompted me to write this in a blog was that I seriously felt the intensity of “the pull” (that phrase is thrown about a lot, but it seriously felt like that) in my ethics class. We were discussing our papers, and mine concerned my experiences at Catholic Social Services. I was discussing my paper with a partner in my class. I’m not sure now what prompted the feeling to suddenly rise, but it happened when we were discussing the utilitarian and Kantian aspects of my paper. Essentially my partner was talking about learning and growth, and my mind just wandered towards something that has only stirred me ever so slightly.

This has probably been a work in slow process that has led up to this point. First, beginning in grade school with talks of vocations (didn’t really affect me all that much then), then the same talks in high school (I was more interested at this point, but still believed it to be a foreign concept). Then I get to college, and here is where more changes begin to grow. It’s very small, but I’ve been noticing them a lot more this year.

My study of Dorothy Day was being taught around the same time I began my time at Catholic Social Services. If you know Dorothy Day, you know how these two were probably working hand-in-hand in my mind. When I read about that man’s meeting with Dorothy Day, and she asked him if he was there to see her or the woman she had been chatting with, I was floored. It’s not like it was an extreme revelation, because I already knew about human equality and such, but it still struck a chord with me in how I viewed other people. Like I said, this also happened around the same time I began working at Catholic Social Services. I still remember when I went there alone, and Sr. Beth took me in her office for my orientation, explaining to me to treat each person that walked through that door with respect, dignity, and kindness. Though I knew to do that already, I became more aware of it. Each time I go there I think of those words, and I’ve slowly been connecting with the people there, even if I don’t know their names or might not even see them again.

These instances have been happening more frequently now. Every time I go there, I have an interaction with someone.

It also brings me such joy when I go there and do something for Catholic Social. Sure, I have those days that I say to myself, “I really, REALLY don’t want to be here,” or I bolt out the door whenever it is time to leave. But while I’m there I still enjoy myself and it brings me happiness. Like today, I was walking up and down the stairs hunting and carrying down mens, womens, and children’s coats from the attic. And they were HEAVY. I had to make multiple trips the entire time, but I still had this look of determination and I felt energized. I noticed people looking at me as I walked by. One man called me by name and asked how I was. I instantly panicked because I forgot about my nametag and I thought this man knew me, so I said, “Fine, how are you?”, but I think he noticed that look of mine and said, “I saw your name on your nametag” and he just smiled while I laughed at my silliness at forgetting my nametag. And as I was leaving, a man sitting outside of Sr. Jean’s office just looked at me, saying “You’re doing a good job, a good job” and I thanked him, smiling still. It made me leave Catholic Social in high spirits.

It’s not like I think about becoming a nun constantly. Heck, it was only pinpointed in my mind just a while ago in class, but I could/can feel something tugging at the back of my mind during all these instances that I’ve been mentioning. Even cleaning the graveyard with Ladies Auxiliary and me sweeping the graves of random people I’d never known, religious and lay. It was like someone just suddenly sprang a flashing billboard in my mind that said “Nun” and “Convent” and “Religious Order” in my ethics class and it made me both freeze up and relax at the same time.

Panic? I think so. Like, Salazar was telling us about the different aspects of our paper at the end of class and not a word was hitting home. I kid you not, I left that classroom shaking, but not in a bad way. It’s so hard to explain while typing! As if excited shaking, yet “Holy crap!!!! A nun?! A NUN?!!!” I almost forgot to sign up for my revision meeting with Fr. Williams. I cooled down as I walked back to the dorm, but I knew I had to put up a blog entry about it. There are simply aspects of my frame of mind that cannot be put in here, because there aren’t words.

I consider this to be a possible path for me. I’ve always wanted a husband and children, but I also don’t want to throw away that possibility either. Especially since I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I don’t want to jump into something without experiencing another possible vocation. It’s like I’ve got two roads, but because of my past experiences and ones I haven’t experiences yet, my happiness is leaning more towards the religious, though I don’t wish to rule out the possibility of married life.

It’s like a foot has been caught in a door. Like I can’t NOT think about this possibility anymore. That’s what this revelation in the past hour or so has done. Put a foot in a door that I thought had been closed. Some serious praying needs to be done here, I think.

So I think that after this semester ends, I’ll put a close on the French classes. Part of me feels like I’m backing out of something, but I also felt like that whenever I dropped out of the pre-med program, and I wouldn’t wish that back for anything. Likewise, I don’t think I’ll ever dislike French, I just think that there’s a better path for me and my career if I change my minor to graphic design. I looked at its requirements and I might be more able to get into graduate school if I have those courses.

I did orginally think that I should double major with art buisness and graphic design, but there are literally a TON of classes that I need to take for that graphic design major, but not as much if it’s a minor. If I did the double major I don’t think I’d be able to graduate on time. So now I have to rearrange my schedule for two classes, and PRAY that I’ll be able to get into all of them with the sections that I want. I am once again stuck with the last day of registration…wait…don’t sophomores go before freshmen? Why do I have the last day of registration if I’m a sophomore? I must investigate this and possibly contact Fr. Campbell again.

We’ll see how it goes.

It was pleasant at Catholic Social during the 1 1/2 hours I was there. Essentially all I did was organize the clothes in the Infants & Children section, but it was enjoyable and I even helped this one man pick out clothes for his 18 month old son. I felt good and happy that I was able to connect with someone and laugh along with everyone there. I love working there and the people there are amazing. I left to got to my English class, arriving sooner than I realized because traffic was almost nonexistent. Woot for awesome traffic.

I then went to my English class with Maria. That was interesting as Fr. Williams wasn’t there and we ended up watching a movie on Irish Theater while taking notes (which would be graded and count as a quiz). Me being me I ended up writing three pages of detailed notes and turned them in. So we all left class early, which was a good change of pace. I went to Java City half an hour earlier than I usually do and was reviewing for my French exam while eventually Audra, Karissa, and Rachel showed up. It was really nice because it wasn’t outside in the blazing heat. Karissa wasn’t feeling so hot because she felt she hadn’t done well on her History midterm, which I sympathized with. Not to mention Audra and I were talking about the butterflies in our stomachs because of our different exams we were going to take after lunch. Feeling those butterflies literally beating around in my chest (yeah, it wasn’t the stomach, go figure) I went off with Rachel and Karissa to our class, picking up Lauren along the way.

So I’m doing last minute studying before the exam, even though I’ve beaten the information into my head a thousand times over and know my stuff. A man comes in with our exams because for some reason Mme. Windish wasn’t there. He hands out the exam and I look down.

And that’s when my day spun a complete 180 and went spiraling downhill.

Holy crap, I knew the difference between the imparfait and the passe compose, but I didn’t know the vocabulary around them to help me determine which one to use. And since Mme. Windish wasn’t there I couldn’t ask questions. The entire exam I freaked out because each exercise had something wrong with it I didn’t understand or couldn’t get quite right. I was in hysterics as I worked from the back of the exam to the front, literally checking my answers 5 times before I turned it in, feeling utterly helpless and moronic. I literally was on the brink of tears when I called my mom afterwards to tell her how the exam went. The only reason I wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably was because I was out in public.

Typing this I suppose I seem melodramatic, but the reason I felt so utterly defeated and hopeless was because for the first time since I actually started French I actually believed I knew it really well and I was completely confident. That hadn’t happened before and that good feeling got shot down after going through that hell. I know it’s just one exam and that I probably did better than I’m making it out to be, but my day didn’t end there. Oh no.

Remember that ethics midterm I was getting back soon after my French exam? That one that all my other friends in my professor’s night class did so well on I was sure I got a good grade because we shared the same study questions? The one I stayed up until 2 studying for the night before and even skipped my service hours to study for it early in the morning making a ridiculous card to use during the midterm? Well I got it back and the grade was…

80.

An 80. Like B-. Like one point away from a C+. 25% of my final grade.

80.

There were comments all over the paper and I thank God that there were other students in there and I wasn’t alone with my professor, because only being just wounded by my depression with my French exam, the one thing I was counting on to make my day less sucky was this midterm. And I got an abysmal grade on it. After the initial shock I asked one of my friends who had also been worried about the midterm what she got (misery loves company) and she replied, “86 and I’m fine with it. What did you get?”

Seriously? Seriously? Am I the only freaking one of my friends who got the lowest score even though I’d spent so much time studying? Even though I’ve improved my study skills since last year and I’ve felt myself do better and yet these low B’s keeping slapping me across the face making me feel like I’m some imbecile who’s not even trying? I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking when I said “80″ and couldn’t say another word to her while I pretended to read the comments. I walked out of the office not saying a word and spent the walk from the Administration Building to my dorm walking quickly while breathing heavily to prevent myself from crying like an unreasonable person.

The plan? At first it was to get cracking on my 2 chapters of CIS work so I’d be able to spend fun times watching Supernatural and Project Runway tonight, which is basically a treat for me every Thursday. The plan now? Avoid as much interaction as I could and get to my room to take a nap while bawling my eyes out to make me feel better.

I came into our common room where Rachel, Audra, Karissa, and Alex were. I said hi and tried to go off to my room, but they stopped me to ask how to create an album cover for a CD. I couldn’t really register what they were saying until Alex explained what he usually does (which ended up being the same process I would use) and I quickly agreed with him. Then Karissa asked how my French exam went, since she left earlier than me.

Shit.

I tried to answer but my tears came pouring down my face quicker than I thought they would. They all tried to comfort me as I plopped on the futon and stared at the half-fallen tapestry. I was bound and determined not to look them in the face because I felt ashamed that I was crying so heavily in front of them. I confessed how hopeless I felt and that I’d been studying so hard, which they had even seen, and yet I was getting all these sucky scores. What was I doing different? They were really sweet trying to comfort me and I was able to stop crying, but the twisted emotions were still there. I used the excuse that I was going to do my CIS work in my room, which I really am doing after I’m done with this post, in order to get all my feelings out onto this blog.

Honestly, I don’t know where to start with picking these pieces back together. Once again, I probably sound melodramatic and even emo-ish, but I really feel this way.

I’ve been thinking lately that I want to do movie sets as my career, but I don’t have the means here to do so and have been looking for graduate schools that might help me out. I haven’t found any so far and I don’t know what to do. Next semester I’ll try with our own theater group to do some sets, but they typically don’t have the budget for them so I don’t know how far I’d get or how much experience I’d receive from it. Not to mention I feel like I don’t have any kind of imagination when it comes to design because I (1.)have a strong inferiority complex and (2.)can’t seem to make good art just “happen”. Like it doesn’t come easy for me like it does for others and I feel mediocre while in my classes. Even today when I walked into the common room Audra was working on a piece for her Drawing I class (which I’m doing now as well but I have a different professor) and it was extraordinary. Instantly I felt like she was so much better than me, which didn’t help my mood and I felt mediocre.

Not to mention I want to be a French minor but after this exam I feel like my confidence has shattered. As I type this out though, I’m slightly coming to my senses.
1. It was one French exam. If you did horrible, (which you probably did better than you think) your lowest exam grade will be dropped, so just do better next time.
2. The ethics midterm. Salazar even said if you didn’t do too well you still had the other aspects of the final grade to make sure you still get a good grade. And an 80 is infinitely better than a D or F which over half the class got.
3. Dummy. Don’t lose confidence in your art! So what if you think some people are better? You have your own style and you don’t have to be perfect at everything, you silly perfectionist! Do the best you can and love what you do.
4. These two papers you have to do. Fine, so you’ve lost some of your excitement in doing your Wilde paper and are dreading even more the ridiculous research paper for CIS. Keep going and you’ll be fine. You’ve still got time and you aren’t too far behind. Get a grip, swallow those bad emotions and get your butt in gear. You will always have some days that are bad but you can’t let it drag you down and utterly swallow you, because then you will lose to yourself.

Learn from this. And get over it. Eat some chocolate or something. Your friends love you and are always there for you. Be happy. You can’t let one bad day ruin all you’ve accomplished so far.

So now that I’ve beaten out some of my feelings into this post, I’m going to open my drapes to let some sunshine in, put on some happy music, and do some CIS work.

“Nothing should be out of reach of hope. Life is a hope.” -Oscar Wilde

So it’s now Sunday night and I’m still staring at my art project, willing my leaf to draw itself. Once I realized that this was failing I decided to go to Carpe Diem for coffee. Oh delicious coffee, you never let me down. Carpe quickly became my favorite coffee shop, though I only went about once or twice last year. So now I’m on my laptop when I should be doing my art project. Some days I get raring to go and get a lot done. Others I just stare at my piece and go, “Why aren’t you done yet? Go away.” Aaaah, but I still love what I do in the end.

My major officially got changed to Art Business a while ago, and lately I’ve been thinking about minoring in French. I still want to be fluent in French despite the fact that sometimes the homework frustrates me so much. But then again I always have fun in class and I feel great after learning more about the French culture. So the French minor thing is still up for debate as of right now. Though I think next semester my classes will consist of a ton of art, French, English, and my last history class. Honestly I don’t know how I’m going to finish it all (hence my hesitance to do a French minor, though I want to use it because it will be dead useful).

I’m thinking about becoming more involved in the art community around Mobile, I just never have the time with all the work I have to do. I’ll probably just have to make time after all. I think about how I literally wasted my summer doing nothing but sit on my couch and mess around on my laptop and I could have been out there doing something useful. But no use crying over spilled milk I suppose. Look forward, not backward.

It has also come to my attention that I know good and well that no one reads my blog, and to be frank it’s not really meant for anyone to read. It’s like my diary of events that I deem worthy of remembering, or just my random thoughts. I think of people with these meaningful blogs and such being turned into books and movies, and I look at my blog thinking, “Meh, I like my blog the way it is,” and that’s that.

So lately I’ve been thinking about becoming an art auctioneer, though I have no idea of how to become one. Mom says the best way to find out is to go to a couple of auctions, so I think I need to look for some and investigate. Meet people, start connections, etcetera.  Heck, some of my family members might know some people (like Aunt Viv or Annette) and I could get some information that way. Might be nice.

Anyways, I suppose that I’ve wasted enough of my time and that I should get back to my leaf now. I’ll probably post it up on the blog once I’m finished (which reminds me to get my pieces from Pieter from last semester). Crap, I need to put those pictures of my work on DeviantArt. Still haven’t done that. *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh puts on To Do list*

EDIT: My gosh, Imogen Heap and Muse came out with new albums, and I didn’t know it, and they sound AMAZING. Great, now that goes on my “Things to Buy But Can’t Afford Yet” list.
Imogen Heap: Ellipse
Muse: The Resistance

I ended up ordering my normal sandwich, but I noticed when I got to the register there wasn’t a sandwich there, and the lady said, “Oh, I think that man has it!” and we both turn and I see the guy walk out the door. But then we see my sandwich on top of the counter and she rings it up, I grab my drink (omg cherry coke, haven’t had that in forever) and chips, then leave.

So……..I actually ended up with the other dude’s sandwich, which I soon discovered was DELICIOUS. That guy must be pretty miffed because my sandwich was all boring and this thing I was eating looked Greek or something (flatbread with lots of greens and yumminess). I had to memorize what was on it so I could get it next time. Haha, success!

Before I left to go to Subway though, my order for the 3rd season of Supernatural (a series Jess got me hooked on over the summer) came in the mail, and I squealed like a little girl. No really, I did.

Plus one of my favorite webcomics updated and one of my fanfics. Goooooooooood day.

The webcomic in question would probably be well-liked by my history buff friend (aha, you know who you are). It centers around the American Revolution. This girl from our own time visits the war in her dreams. The artwork is great too and I just fell in love with it. Here’s a link for anyone who wants to check it out! It’s called The Dreamer.

http://thedreamercomic.com/index.php

And noooooow I’ve got kick but music going on. Looooove this music. Even though I’ve stopped watching anime and such, the basis of this particular show was punk rock or something and it inspired some artists to make songs. Most of the songs are in English too, so I actually forgot it was based off the show while I was listening to it.

The one I’ve been listening to the most is this one by Anna Tsuchiya called “Ah Ah”. So good. Unfortunately I can’t seem to upload the audio file onto my blog, which sucks. So just look it up! Good song!

EDIT: Zut alors! Some of the embedding of the videos have been “disabled upon request”, but it shows you an option to watch the trailer on youtube. So please go for the youtube option and hit the HD button to make it prettier!

1. Julie & Julia – August 7th [MUST SEE] (although we won’t be together to see this, I can’t wait to see this movie)

2. Time Traveler’s Wife  – August 14th [MUST SEE] (THIS I know a good chunk of us are seeing together and I can’t wait!)

3. Bright Star – September 18th (I haven’t seen any commercials for this down here…so I’m not sure if it will play in Mobile, but it looks so good and interesting!)

4. Whip It – October 9th (This is an I dunno one, but I’ll put it up here anyways)

5. Where the Wild Things Are – October 16th (I haven’t actually read this book, but heard sooo many good things about it and it looks like a sweet movie)

6. New Moon – November 20th [MUST SEE] (Alrighty. So I know I had a rant and I got rid of all my Twilight stuff, but I still want to see the rest of these movies with everyone to see how they’ve been portrayed )

7. The Princess and the Frog – November 25th [MUST SEE] (Yay! I’ve been waiting forever for this one! )

8. Sherlock Holmes – December 25th [MUST SEE] (Spend Christmas with your families at home? Pfft. You could revel Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law’s awesomeness instead.)

So that wraps up first semester, as I am too lazy as of now to do second semester (I’ll do that one during Christmas break I suppose). But here’s a bonus for you! Alice in Wonderland! Woohoo!

Alice in Wonderland – March 5th 2010 [MUST SEE] (March is a very good month *wink wink*)

1. Sell books at used bookstore.
2. Delete playlists made from the books (keep songs from muse, evanescence, my chemical romance, linkin park, and blue october because those were good/already had them).
3. Get rid of jewelry/give away.
4. Get rid of Edward poster (which now that I think about that I had it set up to whenever I woke up in the morning it was staring right at me. CREEPY).
5. Delete any saved photos, documents, or downloads that have to do with Twilight (this included a cursor I had forgotten I was using).
6. Empty DevianArt of favs involving twilight.
7. Trade in movie at MovieStop

The only thing that I am keeping is the soundtrack to the movie which had some really good music on there that I still love to listen to.

Really, this event didn’t happen like some epiphany today. This eventual dislike of Twilight has been happening for a year now (intercepted by a brief revival of fandom due to my lovely friends, no that wasn’t sarcasm I love you all). It just seemed to spike more this summer due to a site that analyzes the books by chapters, which was shown to me by Rachel. Oddly enough, some of the stuff this person (who incidentally is also named Rachel, go fig lol) wrote I had spotted whenever I first read Twilight and I kid you not, I overlooked it and looking back it was like my eyes were clouded or something. So…I suppose this is just a reawakening to those initial feelings? I guess. I’m not really “ashamed” of having liked Twilight before, because I think at the time some of the romance thing helped me through some stuff in high school. But it’s sort of embarassing whenever I was trying to defend it.

No way in hell was I one of those ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS fangirls who would sooner beat you half to death because you utter the phrase “I don’t like Twilight.” I’d just be, “Huh, ok” and leave it at that. But Rachel (my Rachel, lol) would message me and we would have “arguments” about it because she absolutely hates the series. I say arguments, but they were more like debates. She would bring up the basic stuff like plotholes, no character development whatsoever, the traits of a vampire that just didn’t exist (SPARKLY!!! I think not), and just that it was poorly written.

My response to these? I had none, because I knew that she was right and I had nothing to defend myself with (aha! without knowing the deterioration process had already been in motion). But I still loved the series, so she asked me to name things that I liked about it. So I tried to list some, which was incredibly difficult because she had refuted some of the reasons. I think I ended up saying 3 things, “even though they didn’t have development, I liked the characters; the romance behind it; and it’s just something that became part of my high school life”. Lame reasons, I know, but she was kind about it but still held firm about her opinions, which I respected.

Soooo not about two weeks later she sends me a link to the site to which I referred to earlier. I don’t know if I was PMSing or something, because I think my hormones were out of whack that entire day. But to me at the time it felt like every time she opened up a convo with me, she was bashing Twilight or sending me anti-Twilight stuff. I got really really annoyed with it, and…I don’t remember if I blew up at her or not, but once again she was patient and just let it go, but still having a laugh at the site (which is hysterical, let me tell you. I love it). Once again, I ignored the site and wanted nothing to do with it.

At this point I’m in flat out denial and I don’t even realize it. Though I think Rachel might have.

Not too long after this incident Jess and I go to her house in Mississippi to visit. I always love going to her house. The plan was to go see Star Trek with another one of her friends, but it wasn’t for a few hours. Rachel then gets the idea to show that site that she was trying to get me to read and I outwardly groan. Jess had only read the first book, but I don’t think she was all that impressed, just curious about what happened next. Rachel starts reading from the site, and I go from being stubborn to being totally engrossed within the period of, I kid you not, minutes. If I really loved the series like I was believing myself to, I would have been upset by the site, not egged on.

I was instantly hooked and was disappointed that we had to leave for the movie (which didn’t last long because Star Trek was amazing and made me leave the theater like I was shot up with adrenaline and awesome). But before we went to the movie we had to meet up with Rachel’s friend at Barnes & Noble. During this entire car ride I am explaining, in brief, to Jess what happens in the rest of the series after the first book. I am shocking myself at how ridiculous I am making it sound, but am just plowing on through. Once I’m finished, Jess just kind of laughs and said, “I though you liked the series?” And I just kind of pause and say, “You know, I don’t think I do anymore.” Jess then makes an announcement and Rachel proceeds to run and hug me saying things like, “Yes! I win! You broke through!”

It makes me laugh whenever I mention my transition to Rachel and she just gives me smiles and such over messenger. However I still had all my Twilight stuff. Not that I was keeping it for any sort of reason. It was kind of just stuff sitting there. Today sent me over the edge though whenever Amanda sent me a link that had all these Twilight fans doing UNBELIEVABLE crap that should land them in jail or possibly make Dante Alighieri come back from the dead and make a 10th circle of hell. I was just utterly disgusted at these actions and was literally made sick by it.

So I told Amanda and Rachel (both were messaging me at the time) how I was just getting rid of everything Twilight, because I just didn’t want to look at it anymore. Plus I can’t say that I hate the series and still have all that stuff. So now there is a small pile on my bed of Twilight stuff that I’m going to trade in/sell/trash tomorrow with Amanda.

All I can say now is that if Twilight had just been a poorly written series that I would have eventually grown out of (which actually did happened before my friends revived it for me), it would have simply fallen on my shelf next to some of my other books that I don’t really like anymore/didn’t like in the first place and I wouldn’t have bothered with it again. But because of the movie and fans gone wild, I’ve just become repulsed by it completely and what it has done to the female population (some guys too I think) that I just want it gone from my life completely.

I can’t escape stores or my some of my friends’ fandom of it, but that’s ok. If my friends still like the series, I’m not going to attack them for it or anything. I think this was just my own personal battle. It also helps that my friends aren’t nuts either. So, this is goodbye Twilight, and good riddance.

LINKS!!!!
The awesome site of Rachel http://vampirely.wordpress.com/
The ridiculous happenings of fandom mentioned earlier http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175

One thing that became clear VERY quickly was how much I could feel that social line being drawn between my world and “theirs”. To be perfectly honest no one was stuck up or anything you picture as the typical upperclass kind of person. Everyone I met was quite kind actually. I just wished I had better stuff to wear than my jean skirt and my flip flops while I accidentally ran into them (an even better story of this kind of embarrassment is yet to come! Stay tuned!)

Well my family and I arrive and are amazed at the beauty of the place. I had been wished many times by employees to enjoy our stay and we get to our room. It was very pretty and comfy (though for some reason the air conditioning didn’t circulate properly, so it was kind of stuffy, but I didn’t mind). Thomas decides to go and explore a bit.

Our room is about 20 feet from the elevator for future reference.

Thomas is just in a normal shirt and shorts, blah blah, but the elevator doors open and there are a TON of people in expensive designer business suits all on their phones etc, and he’s standing in the elevator all “Oooooooooooooooooomg awkward.” And then this one guy starts to talk to him. “Hey how are you?”

“Good, sir. You?” I lol’d at the “sir”, but he’s polite with strangers anyway. So then the guy responds, “Good, I just had my first shower of the year.” The rest of the elevator proceeds to laugh at this, leaving Thomas laughing nervously but not understanding the joke at all, just praying to get off the elevator soon. I think the joke meant that he was so busy he didn’t even have time to shower, which then makes the joke funny to everyone else in the elevator.

That was awkward moment number 1, and we weren’t even at the hotel for 10 minutes yet. More to come!

Mom goes off to the wedding looking fabulous and Thomas and I go to eat dinner at the Clubhouse. We were going to go with our cousins (third cousins, my mom’s cousin’s kids), but they’d already eaten. So Thomas and I went by ourselves. We get there and the seating hostess asks us if we wanted a wine list. Before Thomas could make a smart comment I said we weren’t of age, and she was shocked and she laughed along with us. Ok, that wasn’t awkward for us because we’d been mistaken for being older many many times before. No biggie. But it occured to me as we were being walked to our table that Thomas and I were alone, and we didn’t really look alike, and we are 15 months apart.

Dear God they would think we were on a date. BEHOLD AWKWARD MOMENT NUMBER 2!

I think Thomas understood that too at the same moment I did, because as we were walking he asked me what time our mom was coming back from the wedding and I answered him. Ok, that problem was solved. We order our food and are just talking about stuff in general. It just occured to me that no one was really in the Clubhouse, so I guess I should have expected this, but we were seriously being watched. No joke. I could see this one guy just waiting for me to eat the last bit of my French Dip so he could take my plate away. He was standing about 20 feet away too, so I could see him quite plainly. Not to mention because Thomas had chicken tenders with buffalo sauce he kept sucking down Coke so fast. Our waitress expected him to start floating away after his 4th refill.

Yeah, that many. So I don’t qualify the quick service as awkward because it was nice first off, they are trained to do that, and there was no one else in the restaurant, what else could they do? But dinner was great, so we decide to visit our cousins. From oldest to youngest there’s Gabrielle (aka Gabby) around Thomas’ age, Amelia age 11, and Josh about 4 or 5 I think. So cute, I hadn’t seen Josh since he was a newborn, so that made me happy. We watch a movie and play on our DS’s and have fun. Amelia kicks the living shit out of my shoulder, because she wasn’t really paying attention/doing it on purpose because she was excited, but I let it slide. Still hurt though. Thomas and I stayed until about 10 and I go back to my room to watch Taming of the Shrew (the one with Elizabeth Taylor <3). The wedding guests come back after I get about 30 minutes into the movie, and Amelia knocks on our door asking if I can come swimming with her.

Remember that moment I wrote about earlier near the beginning of the post? It’s now.

So I put on my bathingsuit, which by now I’ve put to so much use it’s pretty ratty. I don’t really care because it’s dark outside and I’ll be in the pool. Who the heck is going to notice or care really? Especially if I’m just with some kids (Josh went earlier than us). So I put on my bathing suit and I’m with Amelia at the elevator when my mom urgently calles me back. I run and she needed me to unzip her dress so she could change. Amelia was keeping the door open for me, so I hurriedly uzipped my mom’s dress and ran to the elevator only to stop cold dead in my tracks. Super big awkward moment number 3.

I didn’t want anyone else to really see me in my ratty old suit. I really didn’t. But lo and behold, the elevator that my young cousin is holding for me is full of about seven really good looking guys in what look to be their mid 20s. OH MY GAWD I AM MORTIFIED. But does it stop there? Psh, no. I slowly get in the elevator extremely conscious of how I’m dressed. And I’m dead center in the middle of these guys, DEAD center. Amelia is so small, but she’s standing next to me and seems incapable of hitting the button of the floor we need to get to. I don’t even remember the guys’ faces because I was staring at the crack the two elevator doors made while we were moving and noting the golden sheen trying not to draw attention to myself. Boy that failed epically. Doesn’t help that I have social awkwardness anyway, so this DIDN’T HELP.

The guy right to my left starts up a conversation with me, “So, going to the pool?” Oh Lord, strike me down now!

I nod, still not facing him, “Um yeah we are,” Seriously, lightning, now. I mention that I hadn’t been to the pool yet.

“Oh really? It’s full of salt water!” I immediately remember that mom and I have talked before about salt water pools. It’s supposed to be cleaner or something nice like that. I perk up (weird, yes) and I reply “Really? Wow, didn’t know that.” That was not sarcastically said, it was more like a surprised thing, because that really threw me for a loop. However at that moment their floor arrives and they all leave. I feel myself deflating as the doors close, thanking God it was over. I don’t think they were related to me because I never saw them again afterwards near the party. Turns out they went to the Clubhouse which overlooked the pool we were getting into. Dammit.

But the pool was gorgeous and had an awesome slide. My cousins, Thomas and I stayed in until 11:30 and we had tons of fun. Our parents even waved from the 6th floor balcony were the after party was being held (the wedding reception area had closed at nine, so the party continued at the hotel). After the pool mom and I end up walking around because she hadn’t seen the pool and I hadn’t seen the view from the party area. It was breathtaking really. She even wanted to show me the bathroom in the room we were in because it had  an infinity bathtub. It was fun to turn on. We had to wait on this drunk girl to come out of the bathroom though. I thought it was strange and hilarious because she was wobbly and her eyes went in two different directions.

But anyways we finally head back up to our room and I finally finish Taming of the Shrew after about a 3 hour interruption. Le sigh. But I sleep until 9 this morning and we go to eat breakfast on the Clubhouse terrace. It was really pleasant and we shared a few laughs with our family. We checked out at 11 and then headed back home, but not before stopping by Priesters and looking at all the sweets. I attacked the sample platter of honey-glazed pecans. Those are always my favorite. But then we arrived home and have just been hanging out ever since.

So I had really fun Saturday at the hotel, despite the awkward moments which I can just laugh about now because they were really funny. Life is good, haha.